Kids are feeling older and older every year, and old folks are looking younger and younger.

Wild ARMs - Intro

Originally posted on liesmith.vox.com

Hm. I really really need to obtain discipline. It honestly feels like I ain't growing at all as a human being. I've had problems with discipline ever since I started this blog, and even though I continuously whine about it. Nothing was ever done to make it happen. How lame.

Originally posted on liesmith.vox.com

Ow. This quarter ended badly. My final grades are as follows:

Zooarchaeology - A-
Biology 2C - B
Art History 1B - B-
O. Chem - C

I guess I did a little better than I expected. When I calculated my Zooarch grade, it said I should have had a B+. But the final curve gave me an A-. My Bio should have been a B- but due to the standards of the teachers, I got a B. And I fully expected to get a C or lower in Art History but I'm very glad I got a B-. =] O. Chem was pretty much as I expected.

The only thing is, I did EFFING HORRIBLE on all of my finals. Most of them I got D's or even F's on. The only reason my grades weren't too horrible is because of the strong beginning and middle that I held out for as long as I could. Near the end I just sort of petered out and let everything fall into ruin around Finals. I really wish I could hold it up for the entire quarter and AVOID GETTING A C, AND GETTING ALL A'S FOR AT LEAST ONE QUARTER. >___<

B-'s aren't good in Uni either. The A- is worth only 3.7, and the B- only 2.7. The B is a 3.0, etc. +'s are worth .3 more. So a B+ would be 3.3. But I didn't get any. My grades were similar to last quarter's the only difference being I took one more class than I did last quarter.

I'm terrified of this upcoming quarter. My classes are:

Physics Part 1
O. Chem Part 2
Bio - Genes and Gene Expression
EVE - Intro to Ecology

They're all hard upper division classes. My adviser said I should drop a class. My violin teacher said I should drop a class. Everyone I ask says I should drop a class to have an easier quarter, except my dad. >__< But to be honest if I really wanted to drop a class, I would have done it anyway with or without my dad's permission. That's partially why I get such horrible grades. I like challenges too much, and I always take hard schedules just for fun. I still don't really take grades and school really seriously, I think.

I'm still just here to learn. Not to get perfect scores. I don't think I'll grow out of that. But straight A's would still be nice. I just need to learn how to maximize and utilize my time and brain power. I need a course on learning how to not procrastinate or something, and how to get better study habits. xP With out a strong base, my tower falls or something, right? That stuff always sounded useless to me, but it's starting to make sense now, and I should probably do that.

Anyway, this is Spring Break, and I'm now working so... bye.

Originally posted on liesmith.vox.com

I feel like shit now and I hate everyone and everything. No matter what I seem to do, I seem disgusted by myself in my head, even if I barely did anything wrong. I feel totally awkward in like every conversation, and I wanna sock myself really hard in the temple.

I missed doing my prelab simply because I forgot about it. I have two midterms coming up already consecutively. I haven't started my lab homework. UUUUUUGGGGHHH. I wanna die.

Originally posted on liesmith.vox.com

My single New Year's Resolution this year is to sometime this year get totally shitfaced for my first time. ;D

And to tell you the truth, I'll probably do it! Especially since I turn 21 this year. ;3 It's sad. My little sister got drunk years ago, and I still have yet to. =[ BUT I'LL DO IT! D;< I DEFINITELY WILL.

I have other resolutions too but I don't call them New Year's Resolutions because most people break those. These are simply "resolutions".

I resolve to:

1. Do every single graded assignment and turn it in on time.
2. Start assignments as soon as they're assigned.
   
3. Start large projects and papers as soon as the quarter starts.
4. Attend EVERY class and lab and discussion.
5. Study at least one week ahead for every exam.
6. Do all required reading ahead of time, and skim book material before my classes start.
7. Take attentive notes during every lecture.
8. Record every lecture.
9. Make full use of study aids made available by teachers.
10. Keep organized and make good use of my schedule planner.
11. Ask teachers before exams exactly what the exam is testing on.
12. Complete rough draft research papers ahead of time and bring it to the teacher or TA and ask if I'm on the right track.
13. Get straight A's.
14. Get a job.
15. Save my money and be like a miser, never spending my money on anything, such as eating out, or toys and stuff.
    

So yeah. I NEED TO DO ALL THESE THINGS. AND I WILL DO IT!!! HAHAHAHAHA!!!!!

I need these grades for Med School, and I need the job for money to go to England this Summer.

To be totally and honestly truthful, I really DO NOT want to be a doctor. It just seems overwhelming, the requirements, and the responsibility, and of course dealing with everybody's insides. The last thing I want to do is to be a doctor. I hate seeing innards and blood, and I'm terrible with pressure, and I've never ever been called responsible and as a doctor to suddenly be responsible for someone's life. I honestly don't know if I can take it. The thing I'm most afraid of is somehow actually becoming a doctor and then realizing that I don't belong there. To find out only then that I don't have what it takes to be there with others who work to save people's lives and to someday be the cause of someone losing their life.

It freaks me out. I hate hospitals, I hate surgical tools, I hate chemicals and chemical smells, I hate blood and guts, I hate seeing disease and sickness, and I'm sure I would hate being a doctor.

But for some reason I'm still going for it. What I really want is the ability to save the lives of the people in front of me. Granted I would be MUCH MUCH happier if I could do that simply by waving a magic wand and making wounds and sickness disappear, but if all that's left to me is today's method then I'll simply grit my teeth, settle my stomach and try to deal with it. I don't know if I can overcome it, but I'm going to do my best.

I don't know if my parents sense my apprehension or they simply sympathize with the upcoming queasiness that I'll probably experience, but they keep telling me to go for being a pharmacist, or a dentist instead trying to entice me "it's easy", "it makes just as much money", etc. If I wanted to make money I wouldn't be dreaming of signing on as a military doctor and then traveling the world to give out medical aid gratis. And you can't really feel like you're saving someone's life when you're mixing chemicals at RiteAid and handing it out or drilling someone's teeth. Both of those things are almost as undesirable to me as working with people's guts.

If it turns out my career as a medical student meets a dead end if I can't get into Medical School, I'm not going to settle for either of those things. I'd become an archaeologist which has been my dream since I was a child. I probably won't be able to do anyone any good as an Archaeologist, but if I can't help anyone as a doctor then there's nothing I can do but to indulge myself with my dreams of the past.

I don't know. What I really want to do... It's all a mixed up mess. I want to do the thing that I least want to do, and I don't really know why. The best thing I can do now is to set my teeth, and learn everything that needs to be done to get where I want to go, and then simply do all those things, and simply get straight A's, and just do it. Do everything. I won't try my best. I'll simply do it, because I love the line in "The Rock". "Losers always whine about 'doing their best'. Winners go home and fuck the prom queen." xD Sean Connery is always so badass even though he's a geezer.

Originally posted on liesmith.vox.com

I'm gonna need to get my fucking ass in gear. If I want my target GPA of at least 3.5 by graduation, I'm going to need to get near 4.0 GPAs every single fucking quarter from now till the end of senior year! Dx I just got my grades and I got a 2.97 GPA for this quarter which was terrible. Cumulatively, I have a 3.12 GPA, which ain't great. I got a C in my Human Biological Variation class, a B+ in Archaeology, (whyyyyy?) and an A- in Biology. >____< If I don't get at least a 3.5, I'll never get into any medical school. xP On top of that, I need to get some intern/volunteer experience in the hospital and prep for the MCAT course, once I get my courses for my pre-med done.

You know, to be brutally honest to myself, I really don't want to be a doctor. But being a doctor is simply the stepping stone for what I want to do, so I have to become a doctor. It's simply the next step in the neverending flight of stairs of my life. But if I stumble on this step, I'll have to start over from the beginning, and I might never get to my goal, which is the end of my staircase which actually has no end. Yeah, I know what I say makes no fucking sense, but it makes sense to me, so I don't give a shit.

It doesn't matter if I need to get a 4.0 from here till the end of my school career, because I'm gonna fucking do it. No matter what it is, I'm gonna get my act together, and pull off 5 fucking 4.0s in a row. That's right. I ain't gonna settle for any A minuses anymore either. Solid As. Every single homework assignment turned in. Every fucking class attended whether I'm sick, hungry, sleepy or not. Every resource off the internet printed and read. Every page in every text book read. Every lecture recorded. Every diagram, and anecdote noted. I have to tell you, I'm fucking intelligent. I'm not just stroking my ego. It's simply a fact, that I'm almost a goddamn fucking genius. I was probably more intelligent than anyone in my entire High School, even if I got worse grades than them. I got out with a 3.2 GPA, but the valedictorians all came to me for homework help. And I got a 3.2 GPA after failing like a full semesters worth of classes, so I don't know how in hell I pulled that off, especially since I have a 3.1 GPA right now even though I've only had like 3 Cs in the two and one-third years I've been in college. Probably because I got more Bs than As in higher credited classes.

Anyway, since I'm so fucking intelligent, the only reason I don't get straight As is simply because I'm a lazy dirty slob. I cut classes to sleep. My room looks like a swamp. I'm late to everything, if I do show up. I just sleep in class all day. When I get home, I play on Gaia Online, and I honestly only study or do assignments like the night before they're do. Though I know that you're not supposed to do that in college, my brain didn't get the memo, and my body keeps doing whatever it pleases.

SO FUCK YOU, ME. I'm gonna grow some fucking balls, and I'm gonna overcome these academia bitches! Like I said, I'm gonna do every think that makes a good fucking student, and I'm gonna pull off 4.0s! D:<

Originally posted on liesmith.vox.com

On the rare occasions that my laptop works, it sometimes talks to me. Just now it spoke with two voices in some sort of conversation that went like this:

Person 1: Oooolakaka! Oulalook!
Person 2: Kaka? Oooooshaka kaka! *pooping sounds*
Person 1: Oooo ahahahah! Ooola oola! Amerika?
Person 2: OLOLOL. AMERIKA DOOKIE!
Person 1: AHAHAHAHA! Kaka oloo oloo!
*dramatic/romantic music plays*

Needless to say, I was, WTF?!

And then I ran Norton again for the 754th time this week.

The fact that it's talking to me still is not a good sign. Please let me get a new laptop soon. ;___;

Originally posted on liesmith.vox.com

I'M GONNA DO YOU SO HARD! D:<

Originally posted on liesmith.vox.com

I am in the need of a good new laptop this upcoming Christmas. However I am having problems choosing. I have already ruled out anything Apple. I wanted an Apple for aesthetic reasons, but however I am now rejecting it as it is not practical, and every program I have is Windows based. In this economic recession, now is not the time to be buying a new laptop along with totally new component programs to which you already had but for a different system.

Secondly, I don't just want any laptop. If there was one thing that frustrated me with this laptop (one thing? HA!) it was how often it BREAKS (oh, I guess it could be generalized into one thing). So I want a tough notebook. I WANT A RUGGED NOTEBOOK. One that can withstand the elements. Especially seeing as this upcoming summer I'm going to be spending a great deal of time sleeping outside in England since that is the only accommodations they have given us. (A campground). And I want my laptop to last a long time, against all weather, and attacks.

Thirdly, I REALLY want a tablet PC. A convertible tablet PC.

Now the only laptop that seems to match up well with all three of those requirements, (not Apple, rugged, and tablet PC) is the Panasonic Toughbook 19. Sadly, it is above my price range.

So I don't know if I should simply opt for a strong rugged, non-tablet PC notebook, or for a weak easily broken tablet-PC. =[

WHAT DO I PICK?

Originally posted on liesmith.vox.com

HOMG. I LOVELOVELOVELOVE THANKSGIVING. I ate twice my weight today and I feel great! ;3 I mean besides feeling like barfing. MmmmmmMMmmmm... It's like food was ready there all day long, and we could eat any time we wanted and it never ended! <33333

I think, some part of me is a total fatty, at least in my brain. Maybe I'm only skinny because I'm so picky, or I'm always broke. But if I had unlimited food of everything I wanted to eat, I'd probably get so fat. xD

Not much else happened today. I kinda feel sad inside still. Mostly anxiety about upcoming pain pain pain. My doomsday nears, and I have barely prepared at all.

MUST GET TO WRITING PAPER! D:

Originally posted on liesmith.vox.com

Ugh. I'm waaaay overdue for a new laptop. Now the hinge on my laptop is broken so it swings open and closed wildly. And the charger is being stupid again, not charging when I plug it in. I'm sick of it! D:<

I just spent like 60 bucks the other day to get Norton too. There was a bunch of Trojan viruses and spyware everywhere in my computer. I wanna toss this piece of crap into a dumpster and be rid of it.

Besides, whenever it's on, it makes this reaaaaally loud annoying buzzing sound, and it overheats super easy, even after I spent money to but one of those laptrays so it doesn't overheat. But it still does! D;< I reaaaaally need a new laptop.

I don't have any money at all. .___. And I don't know how to get a freakin job, and I really don't wanna work anyway. xP But I guess I hafta. Oh my stupid weak willpower. I hate you.

Originally posted on liesmith.vox.com

I just came back from a concert. My violin teacher was on first violin in the UC Davis Symphony Orchestra. It was really good.

The first piece was... meh. It was played by the last conductor, who I think is retiring soon. It was a choral and orchestral piece. There were four main voices, and it got kind of jumbled and just plain wrong somewhere in the middle. Everyone could tell. They managed to bring it around near the end of the piece though.

The second piece... The second piece... THE SECOND PIECE! D:<

OMG. IT WAS GENIUS! So beautiful. It was a piece called Poeme (with an accent on the first e that I can't do) by Chausson. The solo violinist was Jorja Fleezanis, the concertmaster from the Minnesota Symphony Orchestra. She was utterly perfect. Perfect perfect perfect in every meaning of the word. It blew my mind away. I got so into the music I began to twitch involuntarily at some point. Luckily I was able to stop myself from doing it again, but it was hard to.

The third piece was a piece by Brahms and it was beautiful too. It was kind of lulling, and my mind just went into autopilot. It was so in autopilot that I forgot to not clap after the first movement. A few other people clapped and I kind of just did too, but my brain wasn't paying attention. I managed not to clap the next three times. So that was good.

We went to the Crepe place afterwards so I could meet my violin teacher's friends. It was highly awkward.

Especially awkward when her boyfriend started telling her that he could see everything up her skirt from where he was sitting in a really creepy voice and she seemed utterly disturbed by it. It was frankly quite scary and then he started whispering a lot in her ear, and they were really close to me and I really didn't want to hear what was being said, and I could feel my innocence slipping away every minute I stayed there, so I left earlier than them. xP

Well. This weekend was a bust. Didn't get one damn thing done for my research paper. I don't even know if I want to do the same topic I picked for my research paper. I'm feeling very frustrated. D:

Originally posted on liesmith.vox.com

There are so many different metaphors for life. Every person has a different one.

Forrest Gumps' metaphor was "Life is like a box of chocolates."

I guess I thought about it last night, and the metaphor I'd choose is "Life is like a pinball game."

Someone pulled the plunger and launched you out into the world, where you're now bouncing back and forth randomly with no real divine plan or path. You just end up where you end up. Every now and then you come dangerously close to falling into the abyss, but then someone pushes a button, and the lever launches you back into the fray.

Eventually, we all fall into the hole at the bottom of the game board, but on the way we rake up points and aim for the high score. I don't know. The more I think about it, the more pinball seems like life.

It's kind of like that God set off the world, and then abandoned it like a kid who found something new to play with, and let it do whatever on its own. Anyone who has ever felt that deep sense of abandonment from the fact that they realize that there is no destiny, and no set course for this world understands what I'm talking about. It's completely random. There are no stories for you.

Originally posted on liesmith.vox.com

HOT DAMN. August Rush is a good movie. My movie watching quota has basically dwindled down to nothing since I moved to Davis, seeing as I don't really have a TV, and the only way I can watch movies is on my computer. It just seemed a waste of time and money to rent DVDs.

Well, anyway, I picked up one of those disposable rentals from Staples, and it was August Rush. A movie I heard really good reviews about way back when, when it came out. I wanted to pick it up ever since, but for some reason never got the chance.

Anyway, it's really sweet, but what I really love is the music. x3 The songs are awesome and some of them make my heart tingle. xD

But seriously though, if a kid like that existed, I'd be so jealous. >____<; Boundless musical talent. Not fair.

Originally posted on liesmith.vox.com

ARGH! STRESS!

Dude, oh shit oh shit. What do I do? Finals are the week after the week after next week. >___<

But the week after next week, I have a Lab Practical, a Book Report, and a HUGE ASS RESEARCH PAPER that I dun know how to do! *cry*

Ugh. Tomorrow I have to wake up at six just so I can get on the waitlist for the classes that I want.

MBAH! Everything is a mess. Not to mention my self-esteem is constantly plummeting. Sometimes I wish I could go back into the randomizer and just be a totally different person.

Originally posted on liesmith.vox.com

I NEED TO GET MY ASS IN GEAR.

GRADES ARE NOT GOOD. D:<

Originally posted on liesmith.vox.com

I think when I have a son I'm going to name him Tobias. Or Tobit for short.

The reason being, because I just found out about a totally epic book in the Bible about a guy named Tobias. It has demons, magic, romance, and a happy ending. It's called the book of Tobit after Tobias' father.

This book tells the story of a righteous Israelite of the Tribe of Naphtali named Tobit living in Nineveh after the deportation of the northern tribes of Israel to Assyria in 721 BC under Sargon II. (The first two and a half chapters are written in the first person.) He was particularly noted for his diligence in attempting to provide proper burials for fallen Israelites who had been slain by Sennacherib, for which the king seized all his property and exiled him. After Sennacherib's death, he was allowed to return to Nineveh, but again buried a dead man who had been murdered on the street. That night, he slept in the open and was blinded by bird droppings that fell in his eyes. This put a strain on his marriage, and ultimately, he prayed for death.

Meanwhile, in faraway Media, a young woman named Sarah prays for death in despair. She has lost seven husbands to the demon of lust -- Ashmodai who abducts and kills every man she marries on their wedding night before the marriage can be consummated. God sends the angel Raphael, disguised as a human, to heal Tobit and to free Sarah from the demon.

The main narrative is dedicated to Tobit's son, Tobiah or Tobiyah (Greek: Tobias), who is sent by his father to collect a sum of money that the latter had deposited some time previously in the far off land of Media. Raphael represents himself as Tobit's kinsman Azariah, and offers to aid and protect Tobias on his journey. Under the guidance of Raphael, Tobias makes the journey to Media, accompanied by his dog. Along the way, he is attacked by a giant fish, whose heart, liver and gall bladder are removed to make medicines.

Upon arriving in Media, Raphael tells Tobias of the beautiful Sarah, whom Tobias has the right to marry, because she is related to his tribe. He instructs the young man to burn the fish's liver and heart to drive away the demon when he attacks on the wedding night. The two are married, and the fumes of the burning organs drive the demon away to Upper Egypt, while Raphael follows him and binds him. Meanwhile, Sarah's father has been digging a grave to secretly bury Tobias (who he assumes will be dead). Surprised to find his son-in-law alive and well, he orders a double-length wedding feast and has the grave secretly filled. Since he cannot leave because of the feast, Tobias sends Raphael to recover his father's money.

After the feast, Tobias and Sarah return to Nineveh. There, Raphael tells the youth to use the fish's gall to cure his father's blindness. Raphael then reveals his true identity and returns to heaven. Tobit sings a hymn of praise. He tells his son to leave Nineveh before God destroys it according to prophecy. After the prayer, Tobit dies at an advanced age.^[2] After burying his father, Tobias returns to Media with his family.

The book of Tobit is normally regarded as apocryphal in most NIV Bibles and so it rarely shows up unless you have a Septuagint Bible containing the Apocrypha, or a Catholic issue Bible. Both of which are kind of rare.

But LOL. The Bible has some GREAT literature. I wish more people would actually read it than dismissing it as religious BS that should be burned at Hitler's next bonfire party. Another great book is the Book of Esther, of which the movie One Night with the King was made. But Esther sounds like an old lady name so I'm not going to name my daughter that. xD

Originally posted on liesmith.vox.com

Hehe... I've been remembering the past, and the music of the nineties. While I never really got into Backstreet Boys, NSync, or anything, I was partial to Smashmouth, Eiffel 65, aaaaand, I'll admit, a bit of Britney Spears, but I won't put any of her up here. xD

Originally posted on liesmith.vox.com

Hm. I feel useless today. xP

I have a midterm tomorrow, but I could barely get myself to study at all. Agh! That's really not good. I also have an outline of a research paper due sometime soon, but I don't even know what I'm going to write about! The thing I like to do, is to concentrate on one thing at a time. For now I'm concentrating on my midterm tomorrow, so I'll get to the paper after the midterm is done, but I'm also putting off studying for other classes and stuff too to study for my midterm, and then it all comes crashing in on me at the same time.

It seems I might have to rethink my strategy at preparing for class. I really don't know what to do. I really need to just clear my mind and think. xP

Tomorrow I'll definitely just go to the MU and study in the fireplace area and not go home. =P

The problem is my apartment is really too comfy. xD I keep just wanting to meander through it happily or go to sleep on my plush bed. ;3 Or cook something yummy and eat it. It feels like I never have to leave. xD The problem is I don't study too well when the internet is close at hand, kind of like now, when I should be studying, but I'm writing on my Vox. xD

Hm. I dunno. It feels like I'm blocking out a lot of things that would make me feel distressed, but at the same time grasping for the edges of them. I feel like I'm in a very contradictory, intermediate mode right now. Hm.

Originally posted on liesmith.vox.com

After mating, the female cuts slits into the bark of a twig, and into these she deposits her eggs. She may do so repeatedly, until she has laid several hundred eggs. When the eggs hatch, the newborn nymphs drop to the ground, where they burrow. Most cicadas go through a life cycle that lasts from two to five years. Some species have much longer life cycles, e.g., such as the North American genus, Magicicada, which has a number of distinct "broods" that go through either a 17-year or, in the American South, a 13-year life cycle. These long life cycles are an adaptation to predators such as the cicada killer wasp and praying mantis, as a predator could not regularly fall into synchrony with the cicadas. Both 13 and 17 are prime numbers, so while a cicada with a 15-year life cycle could be preyed upon by a predator with a three- or five-year life cycle, the 13- and 17-year cycles allow them to stop the predators falling into step.^[9]

Like whoa. I was semi-interested in cicadas and their life cycle because I remembered hearing something in "Planet Earth", that film series by like BBC I think where they went all around the world and looked at all kinds of ecosystems and creatures. They said that cicada larvae remain underground for 17 years. And I only heard it mentioned in passing so I thought I heard it wrong, and didn't trust my memory. However, something spurred me to look up cicadas again, and I found out it was real.

And not only that, but it does it in 13 or 17 years because they're prime numbers and they can more easily avoid predators with shorter life cycles, and even multiplicatives of those life cycles. That is soooo awesome! D: Math in nature yo. ;3

Originally posted on liesmith.vox.com